Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You Might Also Like
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
consequences, the bane of my existence
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still