[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I unironically love this joke.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?