VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio