His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.