[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
You Might Also Like
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out