Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
scenes of unspeakable carnage
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants