Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
✌️
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!