Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money