My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?