When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?