I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants