Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*pokes sex life with a stick
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.