People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Lmaoo 😂
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me when my alarm goes off