I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Brother?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.