me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Don’t tell me what to do
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals