My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
So inspired right now.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Yes my dude
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*