Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”