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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”