[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.