I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,