I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.