waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.