Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!