tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
This guy gets it.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*