My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A completely valid reaction tbh
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.