“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John