Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m ready for Halloween this year
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.