Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.