My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Close call…
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.