[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.