becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.