My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.