You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.