Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
China are probably making all the medals anyway.