Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
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A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Ken is short for chicken
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.