We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁