I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The way my kids use toothpaste they鈥檒l never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler鈥檚 food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I鈥檓 going to put it in the living room.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Man: You鈥檙e killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..