Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.