me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Geez man, take it easy.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
i think both sides are to blame here
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Saw your ex at the shops