You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.