Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great