I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy