I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy