[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Pee pressure > peer pressure
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
This came to me in a dream.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig