“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.