life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world