My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool