Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
need him
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM