If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Meeeee too!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.