I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
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If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.